While it’s easy to think that the most important factor in ensuring a successful Big Lap might be something like choosing the right rig, or budgeting carefully, or not travelling too fast, none of those are even close … at least as far as travelling couples are concerned.
The chances of partners having wonderful trip if their relationship is not in good shape is slim to none … and Slim just left the caravan park!
Spending weeks, months or years ‘cooped up’ with someone in a proverbial tin can is a challenge, even for those who have happily shared their lives with each other for 30, 40, or 50 years.
The secret to success of living harmoniously on the road with your significant other is the same as it when you’re living in bricks and mortar … except it can be a lot, lot, lot more intense!
American psychology researcher John Gottman identified that certain behaviours – or the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ – were those most likely to lead to the demise of a relationship.
The first horseman is criticism, meaning an attack on your partner’s character, as distinct from voicing a specific complaint.
The second horseman is contempt, whereby you effectively insult your partner by being sarcastic, or rolling your eyes, or just not listening to what they are trying to say.
The third horseman is defensiveness, which is effectively a counterattack to perceived criticism. This is when someone is blaming their partner for causing them pain.
The fourth horseman is stonewalling, which is basically when people more or less stop communicating with their partner.
So, what can grey nomads who may spot the emergence of one – or more – of the four horsemen in their relationship do?
Gottman suggests the antidote for ‘criticism’ is to complain without blame by using a soft start-up. He says to avoid saying ‘you’ which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using ‘I’ statements … and express what you need in a positive way.
The antidote to ‘contempt’ is apparently to build a culture of appreciation and respect. Gottman says there is a 5:1 magic ratio of positive to negative interactions that a relationship must have to succeed.
The antidote to ‘defensiveness’ is to accept responsibility … even if only for part of a particular conflict. This offers couples an ‘escape route’ and to potentially find a compromise in a dispute.
The antidote to stonewalling is said to be practising physiological self-soothing, and the first step of self-soothing is to stop any conflict discussion and call a timeout.
Gottman says if you don’t take a break, you’ll find yourself either stonewalling and bottling up your emotions, or you’ll end up exploding at your partner!
